Log in

No account? Create an account
+ Her MoM Died + [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Song: [09 Sep 2006|02:22pm]
The Offspring "Gone Away"
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
Gone away
Gone away
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[21 Feb 2006|08:34pm]
hi mom
I've been dreaming about you lately
I don't remember the dreams but I just know that you were there
Do you still believe in me?
Are you still proud of me?
You haven't given up hope have you?
This really hurts. bad
No one can tell, but most of the time I'm thinking about you
Remembering things
Remembering your face and your voice
Trying to make sense of all of this
Of the mess that I have created since you left
I need you, you know?
We both need you, you were all we had
When you left, so much went with you
Please don't blame us for the way things have turned out.
We're real sorry Mom. So sorry
I think that sometimes everyone needs their mom. mommy. ma. me-me
I need you a lot of the time
You were always there to help pick up the peices
Please don't give up hope okay?
And hey- say something in my dreams, anything.
Let me know that you are still here.
That its all going to be okay.
Bye mom
L0ve- DMW
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[21 Feb 2006|08:29pm]
Image hosting by Photobucket


Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket
3 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[21 Feb 2006|08:28pm]
Image hosting by Photobucket

1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

Soemtimes I feel like a motherless child:: [21 Feb 2006|06:27pm]
Image hosting by Photobucket
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[31 Jan 2006|04:01am]
Hello there beautiful. I have been feeling very low lately. Completely not myself. I'm having these moments where I kind of black out and don't really know whats going on. I think that I know why, as do you- and I just want you to know that I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the direction that I have taken.
I need help so much Mom. I'm so depressed. I've stopped using your death as an excuse for my problems, I never realized that I was doing it, until last week when I was driving and it hit me. I never had to make any of the decisions that I have made, I did the things that I have done because I did them. Not because of you dying. I hate that I cannot come home to you. I hate that this time I'm being forced to pick up the peices on my own and I feel very alone.
I have hurt people that really care about me. I let a lot of people down, including myself. Mom, you know that Nate was just my friend and I completely ignored him and shut him out. He has nothing but love for me in his heart and I pushed him away like he was/is nothing. Thats hurts me deep, and I'm like "Dana what the fuck happened to you?!?!" His mom had so much respect for me and I threw it all away. And for what? I have crashed and burned.
On another note, I got to taste love again, and I indulged. I don't regret anything thus far- except for I wish that I was more honest with him all of those times, because now- when it counts, he cannot trust me at all. He'll never fully trust me or beleive in me- and thats one of the reasons why I know that I have to leave it all alone. Damn it I know that I fucked up! I did. But, I'm human and shit I deserve respect Mom! I don't deserve for him to talk to me like he has been. He has been my everything, it's like he forgot the way he loved me once. So now its time to reclaim myself, all that I used to be. I never felt a love like that. ever. like an addiction. and I'm sorry mom that it wasn't your ideal for me. I'd like for you to know that he is a good man- and I tainted him.
Just so you know though, I'm ready. I'm ready to fix everything. I'm ready to start healing and I'm ready to be completely me- give it or take it, I'm not masking nothing anymore. I have come a long way and I'm not going to sulk in the shadows. I love you and daddy so much. I don't even need to ask right? Be here. Be with me.
Love Always,
DaYnaHka <3
3 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

written july 22, 2005 [25 Nov 2005|08:35pm]
I sort of have been feeling like I’ve been ignoring you Mom. As if we are just friends and you did something to make me mad/sad so I’m avoiding you, avoiding the hurt. I know in my heart that you didn’t do this, that you didn’t want things to be this way- still it doesn’t make me any happier, it doesn’t make my heart any lighter. You left, and that’s all that matters. You are NOT here any more, and regardless of how it happened, it happened. I am angry, hurt, sad, mad and more, and I want the entire world to know it, I want everyone to know that I am hurting. No one really knows the extent of it.
I’m sitting here listening to a Celine song that reminds me of you so much. I remember in boot camp when Jezelle always played a song for the girls when they were leaving and my song was because you loved me. She told me that it was my song because it was a dedication to my mama, that we finally came together and that she was so proud of me for making things right with you. “You were my voice when I couldn’t speak, you were my eyes when I couldn’t see, you saw the best there was in me.” You really were.
6 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[23 Aug 2005|02:38am]
Youth fades, love droops, the leaves friendship fall; A mothers secret hope outlives them all.
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

I'm sorry but its true: your dying was selfish and I miss you. [08 Jul 2005|01:49am]
It's my birthday. Things were really going alright for a little while, and now- the inevitable- it all came crashing down once again. The only thought that will not leave my fucking mind: SHE IS REALLY NEVER COMING BACK. NOT EVER. am I just finally realizing this? I mean damn it what the fuck is wrong with me.
its my birthday.
she died July 13th.
its Jeffs birthday.
people have somehow forgotten about us i think.
she would have never forgotten. and I really think that she is the only person that will ever and has ever loved me so much.
my back hurts when I cry.

and you know what else. I am so fucking angry at her. i havent told anyone really. but i am. she knew that we needed her and i want so bad to go home. but i dont have parents to just go home too. i was forced into this world, into this crazy lifestyle and I'm not happy- but I can't leave because I don't have mommy to run home to. It's sickening. and i really don't think that anyone at all understands. i am a bastard child with no parents.
happy fucking birthday to me
7 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

GET CHU' SOME [01 Jun 2005|05:00pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
9 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

My newest tattoo: [04 May 2005|09:37am]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

:::Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, Missing me one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you:::
22 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[02 May 2005|04:19am]
I need to talk so I find myself writing a letter to Heaven.
I pray every night to hear your voice. I've even tried to beg him.
The rules of life I tried to bend... so I asked the Lord a favor.
I asked to see you so we could talk. But Heaven has no waiver.
How are you doing? Can you see me? MoM, I miss you so much.
The day you left I realized just how much I'd miss your touch.
I did say goodbye to you...but I really thought you'd get better.
Now I am talking to you but I have no place to send a letter.
My life has changed it's upside down. Without you it's been unreal.
I find myself thinking of ways to go, I think it will help me deal.
I wish we had made that move when they said you were sick.
Were you so scared and lonely? Things seemed to happen so quick
I cannot change the things that have happened... But I really wish I could.
You would have known that day I promise... love would have made you feel good.
Did you see the tears that were cried? Do you know that you are so loved?
The hospital was full of people begging and praying to the Lord above.
I was by your side when you took your journey home.
That pain is like no other when your told your Mom's gone.
I know in my heart that you are in a place without all of life's pain.
You deserve the peace and serenity you have... our loss has been God's gain.
Talking to you is really hard... cause it's real when there is no answer.
I miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, and I'd love to hear your laughter.
One thing I regret that I did not say to you while you were still hear is... you were a good Mom, you did a good job... and made it perfectly clear.
You questioned yourself but you always said give credit where credit is due.
Thirty- Three grandbabies came from thirteen good children and they came from you.
Mom...I love you, I miss you and I am sorry your life on earth is done.
You can be proud that a part of you lives in each of your daughters and sons.
Now, I know why some people look god in the face and can't wait to be there.
To see your smile and to see you again...I'll live my life prepared.
11 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[26 Apr 2005|11:58pm]
And I can hear you calling my name Your healing hands smooth away the pain And I can hear you whispering it’ll be alright You’ll stay until the night breaks into day You are my light in the dark You stand beside me you take my hand show the way You’re here to guide me you give me the strength that I need You giver me shelter You gave me life you give me love You are my mother And when you hear me calling your name (I hear your voice) You touch me with your chosen words Everlasting faith everlasting love is the greatest gift you have Believing understanding me
Closer closer
Closer to heaven are you
If I could put you, on top of a cake I would ice you ...
and keep you, wrapped up in a box to be near you ...
if I could ...
I would ...
If I could touch you, again with my fingers so gently ...
if I could feel you, breathing in time next to me ...
but the silence surrounds me, flashing memories of you, riding with the moon that night.
I never had the chance to say goodbye ...
goodbye ...
Lost, forever, lost to another world ...
Gone, forever, but remembered in our thoughts ...
You are ...
If I could open, the heavens above I'd be with you ...
if I could hold you, again in my arms I would tell you ...
that ...
I love you ...
5 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[14 Apr 2005|12:30am]
How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave with out a trace.
When I stand here takin' every breath, for you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave.
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now,
'cause there's just an empty space.
There's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face.
So take a look at me now.
There's just an empty space.
And you comin' back to me is against the odd's,
and that's what I've gotta face.

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
27 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[15 Mar 2005|12:58am]
All the people that say its gets easier and better are lying.

I lost:
A mother
A friend
Future memories
Phone calls with her
Sharing news with her
The chance to have her see me get married
The chance to have her see me have a child
Her blessing
Hearing her voice
The feeling of home
Listening to her sing the country songs that come on CMT
Hearing her TV at night
Seeing her pretty dresses she would make
Seeing her smile
Her eggs and her spaghetti, she made them the best
Watching game shows with her
Family dinners
Hearing stories about my father
Having hoagies with her from moletos
That feeling I got when I’d pull in the driveway knowing she’s there
Feeling safe
Feeling secure
The chance to take her to dinner just one time
The chance to tell her everything I always meant to say but couldn’t
The chance to show her everything I always meant to do but didn’t
The opportunity to tell her I’m sorry, for all the shit I did to her, for the worries and the heartache
Getting morning newspapers for her
Brushing her hair for her
Having her braid my hair
Her wisdom
The smartest person I have ever known
My determination and motivation
Christmas spirit
Her opinions
Her jokes
Her sarcastic comments

I lost the only person that has ever truly and unconditionally loved me and because of that alone, this will NEVER get easier.
25 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[01 Feb 2005|01:28am]
Your time has already come and I don't know why
The last thing that I had heard
You were doing just fine
It seems like just yesterday
I was laughing with you
Playing games at grandma's house
Well, you taught me well... didn't you?
I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you

You left before I had a chance to say goodbye
But that's the way life usually is
It just passes you by
But you can't hold on to regrets
And you can't look back
So I'll just be thankful for
The times that I had with you
I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you

If they don't have radios in heaven
Here's what I'll do
I can bring my guitar when my time is up
And I'll play it for you

Tell me can you hear me now?
If not, then I can try to sing real loud
What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?
I hope I'm just like you
I hope I turn out to be as good as you
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[29 Jan 2005|02:25am]
I tried making your banana pie tonight. i burned the pudding a little bit though. when i took a bite i started to cry. i miss you so much.
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[25 Jan 2005|10:40pm]
tell me that you fought for life
tell me you wanted to live
let me know that it wasnt suppossed to be this way
that you gave all your heart could give
i want to know that you heard my cries
that you tried to make it through
i need to know that you wanted to tell me
that you loved me too
i want to know that you did all you could
that you didnt give up the fight
tell me that god made you follow him
did he make you enter the light?
i know in my heart you wanted to be here
that you tried the best that you could
i know you wanted to get better
we all thought that you would
i want you to know that i think your brave
you held on for so long
please just tell me that you didnt know
tell me something went terribly wrong
i need to know that it was out of your control
that god didnt let you decide
i just need to know that you wanted to be here
so i can get rid of this doubt I feel inside

1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[12 Jan 2005|12:35am]
I could feel you with me today during my accident, I know you were there and I really need you to know how thankful I am that you were, I have had my doubts lately that you are still here, still by my side, and today was proof.
I have these moments mom, more frequent lately, where I remember once again how much I miss you. I need you so bad and some days I want to escape the reality of things and just mourn. I could cry everyday and talk about you every minute of everyday and somehow it would bring me peace for a little while. I have been remembering specific things lately about our past, like little moments we shared and things that you have said to me. Along with all the flooding memories, I’ve also begun to realize that you really did love me, even though I never thought so when you were alive. You loved me with all your heart and I can see that now.
The words I MISS YOU feel so empty, like its overused and I’m sick of saying and feeling it. I just can’t wait until heaven to see you again mom!! I cannot forget you and I’m damn scared of being alone, I’m scared of never being happy again!! Could you hold my hand? Could you help me stand? I can’t find my way through night and day. Time has not mended anything!! It has not helped me; it has left me feeling broken and alone- and I NEED MY MOM!!
2 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

So pretty. [05 Jan 2005|11:46pm]
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turnout right
See there is a mom that needs your help
I've done all that I can do myself

She is so tired
I'm sure you can understand
In the hospital she sleeps
I would go and hold her hand
And I try not to cry
As the tears fill in my eyes

Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see her?
Can you make her feel all right?
If you can hear me
Let me take her place somehow
See, she's not just anyone
She's my mom

Sometimes late at night I watched her sleep
I dream of the things she'd like me to be
I try to be strong and see her through
But God who she needs right now is You

Let us grow old
Live life without fear
What would I be
Living without her here

She's so tired and she's scared
Let her know that You're there

Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see her?
Can you make her feel all right?
If you can hear me
Let me take her place somehow
See, she's not just anyone
She's my mom

Can you hear me?

Can you see her?

Please don't leave her

She's my mom
1 Want ToHelp Me Heal *

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]